You know you're in Greenwich when...

...you're sitting in a sidewalk cafe, and the 5-year old at the next table frowns at his sandwich, asking his Mom "izzat white truffle oil?"

You know you'

Toss

What I said in that last post about how the next time I post something, it's going to be long, deep and chewy?

Yeah, fuck that.

I'm going to do the exact opposite.

I'm currently going through my Pluto square, have been for the last two years, and this blog of mine is something I've been hanging onto. Now, let's not get carried away, I like having a place to publish my thoughts, and it's not like more than 5 people ever read this, so I'm not going to bother shutting it down. I am going to let go of this idea that if I'm not doing some deep examination of a long-held issue and exploring it's larger relevance in the world, that my writing is crap. I'm going to switch my style.

Nothing I create these days is crap. The pillow I crocheted isn't crap, it's actually quite nice. The pages I've been coloring in my Tropial Fish coloring book aren't crap, they're really beautiful. Yes, I'm blowing my horn, and it feels good. Everything I cook in the kitchen, if I do it out of love, is magical these days. I've made some amazing salads and can't wait to try my hand at cherry pie. So why am I being so hard on myself?

Deidre, listen to me:

The job will come, or it won't. Just sit with it. Enjoy the things you always enjoy, and be open to all possibilities. Trust - not that you will get what you think you want, but that what does happen will be for the best. Let it be.

G will not let you down. He knows how important that other thing is to you, he really does. He's as scared as you are, and he has a right to be. His instinct is to slow down, wait, observe, conserve. Your instinct is to sprint, demolish, cannonball into the pool. You're both right, and you're both wrong. You can find a compromise, which is what marriage is all about. You'll make this happen, the right way.

Fall is coming. It really is. Your Pluto square is almost over. You will look back on these two years as the most transformative of your life - the greatest risks taken, the most fears conquered. Enjoy what's left of this incredible stretch of road. You just might miss it when it's gone.

I know you just want to cry right now. Go ahead, you get to do that. This whole situation is so disappointing! Things aren't where they are supposed to be, and as much as we say "Life is like that," this time the stakes are, arguably, higher. Anyone would be stressing this, so allow yourself that. Remember you're a human, whether you like it or not! Have that cry. Scream a bit. Then take a nap. Then when you wake up write down all the great things about being Human. I know you can't think of them now, but you will tomorrow.

Just focus on doing what you can, and let the rest go - for now. Take the word should out of your vocabulary for awhile. Just live in this sadness, this disappointment, this frustration, this heartbreak, for a few hours, and it will lift on its own, like it always does. Watch Mad Men and Burn Notice and Dr. Who and talk to your friends and go to the gym and sweat out the rage, and keep eating your fruit and drinking your water and one of these days.... poof. You'll be looking back saying "Wow, I was really out of it for awhile there!"

Keep, Toss, Store

I don't think I've been a "blogger" for some time now. I could blame it on the schedule, but ever since March I've only had one job. I've had plenty of time to write, and plenty of inspiration, but I'm not drawn to the computer anymore.

Instead, I've been talking. I've been motivated to visit friends who live near me with more frequency. I've been having long talks over burgers and sushi and shopping. I've been living life in RL. G and I have taken several short trips to other cities to spend quality time with friends, playing board games for hours, sipping tea on couches, hugging and laughing and seeing the new haircuts firsthand. We both sort of looked at each other one day and decided that if we wanted to see people more often, we would - and we have. We just up and did it. (Hey Jess! Are we on for August?)

The best thing is, people are reciprocating. The ones that don't, that's ok too. Not everyone has to be our boon companions - it's ok to have some casual acquaintances. As cheesy as it sounds, once we really committed to making this effort, we're receiving as much love as we put out there. I feel loved, and supported, and absolutely, completely, UN-alone. Real people, real life, real friends. (Keep)

I have very little electronic life at all. I use my cell phone ONLY to talk, and usually only to schedule a time when I can be at home and can spend quality time on the land line. I never do internet chat, I belong to no social networking sites. (Seriously - if you've seen MzOuiser on Facebook, I didn't think I was really signing up for it - I thought I could just look at a friend's pictures! Now I don't know how to delete myself.) I've limited my interactions to Live, in-person visits, and telephone calls. I don't have text messaging or picture mail. It's old fashioned email or older-fashioned phone calls, or live visits. (Toss)

My current temp assignment is stretching into ten consecutive months. The money is exactly what I need. That alone would merit my committment. My last remaining student loan is vanishing before my eyes. However, I also love the people, the company and what we do, and my role in Human Resources. This is an area of major blessings and abundance for me. The commute is easy, the office is classy, and the perks are awesome. (Last Thursday we all got free homemade ice cream!) I know how lucky I am to have this, and I'm rolling with it, for as long as I can. (keep)

Of course this 40-hour job means that I don't have much left to give, so I don't massage as much as I used to. I do have friends in the industry, and I'm asked to work a bridal party here and there. I worked a running event for a major fitness company in April, which was a one-shot deal but a fascinating change of pace and a thrilling experience. I do enough to keep up my skills and feel that glow I get from helping others. More work will come in the fall - especially if this temp job eventually comes to an end, as, let's face it, all temp jobs do. (Store)

I haven't written a real essay in ages, but I've started about 30 of them. That part I'd like to keep. I'm proud of some of the writing on this blog, and I'd like to continue doing that kind of writing - long, deep, well-thought out essays that examine something important (well, important to me). I'm making an effort to get back to that... but man, is it hard. It requires serious computer time - something that I've tossed. And when you have only one computer in the house, and your husband is trying to launch an online business, and there's no internet cafe nearby...

But - I'm working on it. The best fruits aren't the ones on the ground. (Keep)

I want out of this cocoon. It's been so safe and lovely. But now I want OUT, and I have to be patient. I'm talking about Nyack. And this one-bedroom apartment. Our lease is up in April of 2009. I've been cruising the real estate listings for months. It'll happen. I have to be patient. (Store)

I need a new car. It's sad. I was hoping Geoffrey might make it to 200,000 miles. I'm going to take care of him and keep him running as long as possible, but G and I are preparing for a purchase. I feel somewhat in limbo. I've never bought a car before - this is my first car, and my Mom gave it to me when she was done with it. At 36 I'm doing something most people do at 20. Not that I have issues with that. So I'm socking away some cash for a down payment, 50 bucks here, 100 bucks there. (Store)

There's my boxes. None are really all that heavy. So... the work is just beginning.

Next time I post, it will be an essay. A good, thick, chewy one.