Please Leave a Message, I am Listening

This bubble I'm living in keeps getting thicker and thicker. I only barely notice things going on out there.

I'm shocked and saddened by Heath Ledger's sudden passing, which I learned about from a co-worker. I was a particular fan of his, ever since he pranced through the bleachers singing "You're Just Too Good to be True" in 10 Things I Hate About You. I must have watched A Knight's Tale a hundred times, granted, as much for Paul Bettany and Shannon Sossamon, but Heath just completely won my heart in that silly, utterly enjoyable romp of a flick. I have been obsessively turning over in my mind all the things he could have one, all that talent yet to be developed... could he have been the next Johnny Depp? Was there an Ed Wood or a Gilbert Grape in his future? We'll never know. I'm not usually the "fangirl" type... but this has gotten to me. Beautiful young Heathcliff is gone. I'm sad about that.

I heard from a long-lost friend today, and don't know how to respond to her. She left me a voicemail wondering why I haven't returned her phone calls. Well... it's been over a year, and she claims to have tried to reach me during the last six months. I only recall one previous voicemail. For someone who sounds so concerned about the state of our friendship, she sure has been intangible all this time. I have a feeling she called because a third party may have passed on some feelings I shared regarding her and our long-ago fizzled out friendship. Some people are like that - they ignore you until there is a suggestion that someone out there might accuse them of doing something wrong, then they call to sniff out the source of any possible ire or negative sentiments. They're really more concerned about how they are perceived than how I feel. I'll probably ignore this one too. If she really has no clue why disappearing out of my life during this particular time of my life - after a year of blowing me off repeatedly - and this after another year of only meeting on HER turf at HER convenience - if she can't do this basic simple math, nothing I say to her will make sense anyway.

In spite of my lingering bitterness, I wish her well. I know she has plenty of other friends, a good man, a nice home, and all that other stuff that ought to equal happiness. I'm surprised she even remembered my cell phone number (I'll bet she had to ask someone for it). This is one person who I am SURE is fine without me, and this enables me to let it all go. I'm happy for her.

I don't miss the people I haven't seen or talked to in years. I miss the people who I saw a lot of until about six months ago, when the wedding planning kicked into full force. G and I have made several weekend trips to Boston, and I've been working those two jobs all this time, so my social availability has all but disappeared. I refuse to let my friendships devolve to email-only, so I make phone calls whenever I possibly can, and catch up in full-voiced real time. Since the holidays I have gone out of my way to meet with my girlfriends whenever I possibly can - I haven't turned down a single invitation unless I'm out of town. But recently, I think everyone else is either as busy as me (likely) or figures I'm in the last-four-weeks-before-the-wedding-madness (equally likely). Get-togethers are fewer... but it's probably for the best. Hopefully these friends I've been missing will make it to the wedding anyway, and we'll all reminisce on how busy we've been.

G's bachelor party is this weekend. He's being abducted by his buddies in a van bound for Montreal and a wild weekend of rich food, girly bars, and paintball. I will be spending the weekend at home in Nyack, having a sleepover with my Man-of-Honor. I imagine we'll plan my bachelorette party - last time we talked, he was planning something at a Karaoke place in midtown. He and I met doing theatre in Illinois, and I'm dying to sing "Don't You Want Me Baby, Don't You Want Me, Ohh-Ohhhhh!" with him. (note to locals: watch your emails.)

So many times I've wanted to blog about the wedding, but, of course, I just don't have the time. So far the cost has overflowed about $5,000 above budget, which is pretty good, statistically speaking. Keeping the guest list firmly below 50 people has enabled us to afford what we want, and to chuck what we don't care about. No personalized cocktail napkins, for example, and no favors. We will, however, have the premium open bar, complete with special order wines from our favorite vineyards. I'll be walking down the aisle to live musicians - a harp, violin and flute - playing music I had specially arranged for this event. I bought my Mom a new dress, and gifts for my bridesmaids that are not simply part of their wedding ensemble. I splurged on G's wedding band - a perfect platinum ring, as elegant and beautiful and priceless as everything our rings represent. We splurged considerably on our Ketubah, the Jewish marriage contract that will hang prominently on the wall of our living room for the rest of our lives.

There are moments when I disappear altogether in a fog of my own thoughts. I wake up standing in front of the copier at work and have to remind myself what I was in the middle of. These are the times when all the trappings of "wedding" just fade away, and I float in the comfort of just being married to G, of the future that we are planning to build, our children to come, the home we will make together. The dress is just a dress, the party is just for fun, and if everything goes up in smoke, who cares?

It's the best feeling in the world. I have never felt so sure of anything, so sure of myself, so safe and secure, in my entire life.

Both G and I have this magical time in our minds called "After the Wedding." During this time, life will normalize. We will suddenly find ourselves able to manage our time, fit in our gym workouts, meet more regularly with friends, plan vacations, and generally live a nicely ordered existence with just the right amount of wiggle room for spontaneity, a random jaunt to the movies or the local ice rink. We'll re-assess our budget and prepare for either a new car or our first home, whichever seems more urgent. And when the first kid makes its presence known, we'll work through the panic together.

Riiiight.

I am determined to stay realistic about things. I can say all that and laugh about it, so I guess I'm a bit ahead of the game.

G and I will be spending a few days after the wedding in total seclusion. We're going to disappear into New Hampshire's White Mountains, at a Bed and Breakfast where we've stayed before. The owners remember us, and we're all looking forward to visiting again. I have missed our room there, with the giant soaking tub and the crackling fireplace, and the incredible gourmet breakfasts. Hard to say what I'm most looking forward to - the wedding or the honeymoon. We plan to surface once or twice, if there's an ice rink nearby, but then again... maybe we won't.

As of today, the wedding is exactly one month away. Until then, my head is either at work or in the clouds. And, I think, this is how it's supposed to be.