Monday, July 10, 2006

Listening to the Goddess Cards

Last night, I pulled out my Goddess cards and did a reading for myself. It wasn't easy. The cards didn't feel right. I shuffled a lot. Once I drew the cards, I shifted them around, and picked out six that seemed to be screaming for my attention.

The first card:

The Hindu goddess Lakshmi. Her slogan is "Bright Future". On the card, she is quoted: “Stop Worrying. Everything is going to be fine.”

The second card:

Sekhmet, of Egypt. Be Strong. “You are stronger than you think you are, and your strength assures a happy outcome.”

The third card:

Cordelia, a fellow celt. Go Outside. “You have been indoors too long. Go outside and get some fresh air.”

The fourth card:

The West African goddess Mawu. Mother Earth. “You are called upon to help with environmentalism.”

The fifth card:

Another fellow celt - Sulis. Bodies of Water. “Spend time near water, such as a lake, river or ocean, to recharge your batteries.”

The sixth card:

Isolt. Not really a goddess - she is also called Isolde, and is best known for her Guenevere-like story, of being married to a king but being in love with a knight, Tristan. Her slogan, of course, is Undying Love. “The love you have shared is eternal, regardless of the situation.”

I think there is a deeper meaning to Cordelia’s message. I have been cooping myself up for too long, but not literally. I’ve confined my mind to work and school. I did this on purpose – I feel it’s what I have to do in order to achieve some personal goals.

Those would be
1) remaining financially solvent while I’m in night school, and
2) maintaining a 90+ average.

So far, I’ve achieved both of these goals. The first is much more difficult than the second.

My mind is opening a bit. I have had weddings on my mind. And since my piano is now safely here in the apartment with me, I’m singing more and writing bits and pieces of songs. But nothing lasts more than a few minutes. It’s more accurate to say there are cracks around the edges of my mind.

G and I have decided to postpone the wedding. We just do not have time for this right now. Both of us are working full time jobs and going to night school! The very idea of carving out a day here or there to look at wedding sites makes us groan. The few rare times we do have a free day, we want to spend it at home resting, or visiting friends. Restfully. (Well, except for visiting Trip and Slam, which involves a lot of screaming over various board games, but it’s restful in its own way.) We are just. Not. Focused. On Wedding planning. Nope.

That’s ok. I have the ring, and the whole world knows we’re serious, and that’s enough for now. Besides, we can save some cash in the meantime. More cash means a better wedding, right?

So – no more wedding stuff for a while. I’ll get back to that in 2007. Which is much closer than it seems.

I have my first neurology test on Wednesday. My mind is THERE.

Pulling out the goddess cards for the first time in something like nine or ten months was easier than I thought. Listening to them is the hard part.

Mawu? What, I’m supposed to go into hyper-environmental mode? G and I already recycle pretty much everything. I choose Seventh Generation home care products and other such brands made with recycled materials, but as long as G is making all our money and doing all the grocery shopping, I’m not going to harass him for coming home with Viva if that’s what’s cheapest.

Maybe this is some sort of kick in the pants to take more of an active role around the house? Believe me, Mawu, if I had any time at home between 7AM and Midnight, I would, but before 7 and after 12, I’m sleeping. I get sick when I don’t sleep. I know, it’s happened. I’d love to do more… but I just don’t see how right now.

Lakshmi and Sekhmet are pretty self-explanatory. I appreciate the pep talk, ladies. And Sulis? I just took two week-long vacations on beaches. Very therapeutic indeed. I sprinkled salt into my bath last night, just for extra glory. It’s a full moon, after all.

That just leaves Isolt. Undying love. Hmf.

There is a book that came with these cards. Under Isolt, it says that the relationship in question doesn't have to be a lover – it could be a departed loved one, like my grandparents. I’d like to think that was the point of this card, but I’m pretty sure it’s not.

My mind has been on some lost loves lately. I’m not sure why. Yesterday’s essay is about one of them, the one I never really write about, the one I broke up with (or did he dump me?) eleven years ago. I accepted a long time ago that I will always think of him from time to time, and I will always care about what happens to him. I actually feel good about that. It’s nice to be past the ill will. It took a long time to get here.

My ex-husband was on my mind even today, as I worked out at the gym with G. So often I still worry about him. I wonder if he will ever really live a healthy life. I hope he finds someone who motivates him, who can outsmart him in the talking-each-other-into-or-out-of-things game. I still have to tell myself that I did everything I could when I was with him. I still shake myself, telling myself that I don’t need forgiveness for anything. I still want to blame myself for the failure of my marriage. Isn’t that just insane?

But that’s me.

One of my most significant ex’s is getting married soon. He may already be married – he never did tell me exactly when things were planned. He got engaged last New Year’s Eve to an attorney, so I imagine she’ll help him stay out of debt, and keep him firmly grounded in reality. He needs that. He’s such the dreamer. One of the things we had in common. One of the things we really got about each other… and one of the things that drove me away. That boy was really special. We were just not at all ready for each other. We’ve managed to stay friends, and that’s awesome. Actually it wasn’t that hard, staying friends. We started out that way, and I hope we don’t lose touch completely.

Writing this, another lost love is creeping into my mind… one I never dated. One I avoid telling people about, it’s so humiliating. He didn’t deserve my love. He used me, and I let him, thinking he would wake up and see what he had in me. What a delusional idiot I was. When I realized what was going on, I ended everything rather abruptly. He mostly represents my horrifically bad judgments. I’ve made plenty. This one, though, arguably, hurt the worst.

He was the second person in my life who had to tell me “I don’t love you.” I made him tell me, because I knew I’d never be able to walk away without hearing the words. I made him tell me over the phone, and then I made him write it in an email. I still have the email.

I haven’t ruminated on this sort of thing for a long time. G fills me up, and I haven’t needed to think of what might have been with this guy or that guy. Frankly, it hasn’t occurred to me until now. Maybe it’s the week with the parents, and some of the wedding talk that took place. I remember going through something like this the first time around. Maybe it’s natural.

I still struggle, sometimes, with the person I used to be. I broke a lot of hearts, and I hurt some really nice guys who deserved far better from me. I still feel ashamed at times, and I still punish myself emotionally.

Christ, it was eleven years ago. I said my apologies many years ago. I’m proud of who I am now. Let It Go, Ouiser.

I know, Lakshmi. I know everything will be ok. But thanks for the reminder. I think I’ll carry your card around with me for a few days. And thanks, Sekhmet. Some days I feel stronger than others, but I’m working on it. Sulis? No worries, sister. I’m all about the water these days. Have you seen all the Fruit 20 I’m guzzling lately?

Cordelia and Mawu… I think I see your points. I’ll see what I can do.

Isolt. Is there some REASON why you showed up? Why on earth do I need to think about lost loves when I’m so happily in love now? Am I missing something? I don’t think I am. Something about myself? Maybe. And I have to say… I’m not liking the idea that the feelings I shared with some of these people might be some kind of eternal.

Ach, maybe it’s a nice idea. Maybe… maybe some of those guys don’t remember me with hatred. Maybe they don’t pity me, or feel pain when they think of me. Maybe, just maybe, it’s all ok. It’s been a long time.

Wouldn’t it be great if we all managed to find that place of forgiveness and understanding?

And isn’t that something a Goddess might say?

1 comment:

aaron said...

I too find myself thinking about prior boyfriends and loves - I am the sum of my relationships and think it only natural to review who I was and who I am now based on each - as I too approach my own wedding.

My thinking is that perhaps you simply need to look back in order to know even more deeply that you are exactly where you need to be now - that you are on the right path and not sidetracked or lost. Maybe it is also to point out that you are more capable now than ever to love yourself while loving another.

God knows I've lost myself while loving another a few times.

We've also postponed our nuptials because it makes more sense time wise and financially. January is just not a good time coming right off of the holidays. I am relieved since I want our wedding to be a lot about celebration and little to do with stress.

(It also gives me more time to lose the weight I've gained since moving to Florida - not that I plan on getting hitched in a Speedo but I would like to be at the point where I could do so and suffer no embarassment)