What I said in that last post about how the next time I post something, it's going to be long, deep and chewy?
Yeah, fuck that.
I'm going to do the exact opposite.
I'm currently going through my Pluto square, have been for the last two years, and this blog of mine is something I've been hanging onto. Now, let's not get carried away, I like having a place to publish my thoughts, and it's not like more than 5 people ever read this, so I'm not going to bother shutting it down. I am going to let go of this idea that if I'm not doing some deep examination of a long-held issue and exploring it's larger relevance in the world, that my writing is crap. I'm going to switch my style.
Nothing I create these days is crap. The pillow I crocheted isn't crap, it's actually quite nice. The pages I've been coloring in my Tropial Fish coloring book aren't crap, they're really beautiful. Yes, I'm blowing my horn, and it feels good. Everything I cook in the kitchen, if I do it out of love, is magical these days. I've made some amazing salads and can't wait to try my hand at cherry pie. So why am I being so hard on myself?
Deidre, listen to me:
The job will come, or it won't. Just sit with it. Enjoy the things you always enjoy, and be open to all possibilities. Trust - not that you will get what you think you want, but that what does happen will be for the best. Let it be.
G will not let you down. He knows how important that other thing is to you, he really does. He's as scared as you are, and he has a right to be. His instinct is to slow down, wait, observe, conserve. Your instinct is to sprint, demolish, cannonball into the pool. You're both right, and you're both wrong. You can find a compromise, which is what marriage is all about. You'll make this happen, the right way.
Fall is coming. It really is. Your Pluto square is almost over. You will look back on these two years as the most transformative of your life - the greatest risks taken, the most fears conquered. Enjoy what's left of this incredible stretch of road. You just might miss it when it's gone.
I know you just want to cry right now. Go ahead, you get to do that. This whole situation is so disappointing! Things aren't where they are supposed to be, and as much as we say "Life is like that," this time the stakes are, arguably, higher. Anyone would be stressing this, so allow yourself that. Remember you're a human, whether you like it or not! Have that cry. Scream a bit. Then take a nap. Then when you wake up write down all the great things about being Human. I know you can't think of them now, but you will tomorrow.
Just focus on doing what you can, and let the rest go - for now. Take the word should out of your vocabulary for awhile. Just live in this sadness, this disappointment, this frustration, this heartbreak, for a few hours, and it will lift on its own, like it always does. Watch Mad Men and Burn Notice and Dr. Who and talk to your friends and go to the gym and sweat out the rage, and keep eating your fruit and drinking your water and one of these days.... poof. You'll be looking back saying "Wow, I was really out of it for awhile there!"