Instead of the very sad, Chekhovian post which I initially wrote for today, I have decided to blog about crunch-n-munch.

Damn I love that stuff. I am, as I may as well confess and get it over with, a closet junk-food-junkie. I say closet because I do a pretty good job of hiding this. I eat almost exclusively organic. I don't fry. I like cheese, but in moderation. I recently switched to Tofutti - but Ben & Jerry's From Russia With Buzz creeps into my fridge about twice a year. I do have dessert in the cafeteria at work quite often - bread pudding, a slice of homemade cheesecake, an occasional chocolate-chip cookie. But these things all seem to fit into what is, overall, a pretty healthy, natural diet.

It's the candy that's out of control.

I have a large stash of Hershey's in my house. Miniature candy bars, kisses, hugs, the fancy toffee-almond kisses. I have mini Reese's often as well. Chocolate is truly my worst vice. I eat astonishing amounts of it. And it's not like I eat just one piece at a time. I'll grab ten or twenty pieces and eat them in succession, eyes fluttering. Like taking a really big hit. Granted, I don't do this every day - but I do it at least once a week.

At work, I have a bag of Limited Edition Hershey's Mint Chocolate Kisses in my drawer. I don't think anyone knows I have it.

Well, now they do. Shit.

This started about Crunch-n-much because somebody put a tin of carmel-corn-and-peanuts (not Crunch-n-Munch, a designer brand version) on the filing cabinet at work for us all to help ourselves. MAN I love that stuff. I never buy it. But when I see it at a ballpark, or someone else's house, or at work, if it's just THERE - Mmmmm. Bad. Very very bad.

Now for the kicker: I have never dieted in my life. I have never needed to. I have always been one of those disgusting people that can eat constantly, whatever I want, and never get above 118 pounds, which at 5'4, is fine. I was a semi-professional dancer for years - I worked off every calorie that I took in before it ever had a chance. During especially stressful periods of my life, I was frequently underweight to due lack of appetite. I have the metabolism of a mosquito.

At least, I used to.

I developed severe aniemia about a year ago. I had no idea that I was aniemic. I thought I was just depressed. Between my job changing, my marriage disintegrating, my family being so far away, my best friend moving back to Korea... I had plenty of reasons to not want to get up in the morning. Plenty of reasons to feel too tired to do anything at all. I went to therapy, cried a lot, talked to friends and family, and kept plodding forward with the daily routine. Finally, one day, I hit a work crisis, and I fell apart emotionally. I went to the doctor. Upon describing how I'd been feeling for the previous six months, she decided to take some blood, and lo and behold, I was at around half the iron levels I should have been.

The happy ending to all this is we found the cause, removed it, and restored my iron levels with supplements. I feel far better. BUT - in the meantime, I have been practically immobile for over a year. During that time I have GAINED WEIGHT. >gasp!<

Now, don't get me wrong - I LOVE my new shape. I have CURVES! I can fill out a dress like a real healthy woman! No more twiggy here! This is awesome. But. It is starting to get a bit out of hand. Suddenly I don't look so good when I tuck my shirt in. My stomach has become quite visible. My muscle tone is practically non-existent. I didn't recognize my own thighs last summer when I put on shorts for the first time. Why is my skin all puckery? It used to be smooth!

My doc says that my body is suffering the effects of inactivity more severely than most because I used to be so highly active.

Well, Shit.

Now I have to do something. I have to LOSE a few inches. I've never had to do this before. So where do I start?

#1 - no more Crunch-n-Munch.

Most people I know go to Gyms for this sort of thing. Was I ever astonished to learn how expensive Gyms are. I can barely afford my monthly living expenses these days. The Gym is out.

I could take Yoga classes. I'll lose about a pound a year that way.

I could go back to Ballet.

NEXT!

Anyone willing to be my personal trainer for free?

One thing I have started doing is Yoga in my living room. I have a tape. And I do exercises that were given to me as physical therapy, to rebuild my muscle tone. I have no idea if that will help with the appearance problem. Or with the fitting-better-in-my-clothes problem.

I'm thinking of trying Weight Watcher's. Two of my closest friends have had excellent results with them. So have two of my not-so-close acquaintances. But that carries an expense as well.

Not sure what to do here. Suggestions are welcome.