Been gone a while. So much on my mind.

I've realized that while I may feel out of control of my life in many ways, I am able to step back from it and look at it somewhat objectively.

One of the "church ladies" at my church pretty much cornered me a few Sunday's ago and guilted me into agreeing to come early and help out with the coffee and bagel setup. Of course I said I would. How could I not? She's a dear, sweet lady and I am after all a member of 5 years.

Of course, when the Sunday morning in question arrived, I

a) completely forgot
b) was snowed in out of town anyway.

I couldn't help being snowed in. But - would I have remembered to go if I had been in town? Not sure. Would I have been happy to do it, if I had remembered. A definitive NO.

Part of me is saying "that's what she gets for trying to strong-arm people into volunteering." Part of me is saying "Why didn't I just say no?" Another part of me says "I am useless, worthless, unreliable and good-for nothing." The first part of me slaps the third part. "No you're not, you're just going through a really rough period.

It's winter. The sun is gone. I get sad every year when this happens. My job stress is pretty extreme, and to top it off, I find out that my roommate is likely moving out in the spring, and my landlord won't let me take over the lease and find another roommate, because I don't make 75K a year or more. So if she's out, I have to move.

So I'm able to look at the big picture and say "ok, I'm stressed, and hibernating, and feeling guilty for doing so. I miss the old boyfriend, am feeling guilty about the new one, and my job is such a burden to me that I'm loathe to assume ANY OTHER responsibilities anywhere else in life, no matter how small they may seem to be”

Why can’t I just STOP IT then?