I’m part of a women’s spirituality group called "the Weavers." As in weaving your own spirituality from many threads of world traditions, and exploring more deeply the ones that resonate most with you. We’ve been meeting once a month for a year, ever since January. As part of the program, we each complete a “priestess project.” I decided to write some sacred songs that reflect my personal spiritual beliefs. I have written a choral hymn to the Goddess for 6 women to sing. I have a cute, sweet song, more like a lullaby, to Bridget, the Celtic Goddess of the Hearth. I have an arrangement of Amazing Grace. And I have one big, long epic musical poem, basically, about the eternality and interconnectedness of life.

I was supposed to have been working on this all year. I didn’t even start it until about 4 months ago. I didn’t get anything down on paper until about a month ago. I have to present the work on Sunday, and I’m just today finishing the Big Epic Piece.

For me, this feels like being in college again! I was always the one who wrote the term paper - the one we were supposed to be working on all semester - in about 4 days - and I always got an A. I work well under pressure. And, I love writing.

Just this morning on the bus to work, the rest of my big ritual song bubbled forth from my subconscious and flowed through my brain. I've never been so disgusted for myself for not having a pad of paper handy. So now that I'm at the office, I'm scribbling it down. I feel divinely inspired. I was actually a little afraid of it. It's going to be a challenge showing this to people, I feel very vulnerable. (But then, before God, aren't we supposed to be?)

The other day on the phone, I had a neat conversation with one of my “Weaver Sisters” about creating personal rituals – which is the subject of her project. We talked about how making something specific focuses the magic and makes it more personal, more directed, and more potent.

I would encourage all of us to try and make our work somehow personal to us. Many of us do not realize that our personal needs are often others' as well. Why am I doing this project – writing hymns and sacred songs? Why did I choose to indulge (exploit?) my own creativity? Because I felt an inner pull to do so. I have since realized, however, though feedback from my friends at church and from other musicians and writers, that when I express myself musically, when I sing at church, when I share my writing, that I’m not being self-indulgent or grandstanding. People actually look forward to it, and several have told me that they felt inspired and hopeful listening to my work. I feel arrogant in saying this, but perhaps I am able to fill a small portion of a need that’s out there. A need for beauty, a need for inspiration, a need to hear someone express love and hope.

Sometimes we think we choose things in a last-minute panic, negating any thoughtful contemplation of the choice, and rendering it impersonal. I posit something more. Perhaps in panic we simply open ourselves up and let someone else do the choosing for us. Perhaps the adrenaline rush of panic is the breath of the divine.

Not always. But sometimes.

I have focused so much on this one epic piece, and the choral number, that the other songs I wrote seem trite. (I'll bring them in anyway. The one to Bridget is kind of cute.) I was frustrated for awhile, feeling that I hadn't done enough. I wanted to come in with 5 or 6 or 7 songs, with paper copies of the research that I did while writing them, so I could explain everything, very scholarly and such... Nope. Sorry. After my revelation this morning, that all just doesn't seem necessary... I'll still bring in what I have and prepare as best I can. But I somehow feel that it's incidental. The real work of this project has gone on inside of me. Something has opened. I hope I can share this in a tangible way.

My mother told me last night that I put far too much pressure on myself for the smallest things, for things that ought to be someone else's responsibility. She was sad for me about it, and also impatient with me. Well, it's not just me. I think it's a tendency that women have to nurture - to take responsibility for all sorts of things - that gets out of hand. It' not a bad thing - but it can be unhealthy if you punish yourself for not living up to your own expectations. Let's give ourselves a break this holiday season. Don't break the bank on Christmas gifts. Give yourself free evenings. Ask people to come visit you instead of the other way around. RELAX. Let the winds of heaven blow around you and though your personal space.

I am SO looking forward to this month. To seeing the work of my weaver sisters this Sunday, to co-facilitating my last New Moon Circle of the year on the 22nd. To singing in church and going caroling at Christmas. To retreating to some quiet mountain cabin just for a few days between Christmas and New Years, to just breathe. To talking to my loved ones on the phone. To the holiday party my office is throwing, and the few private holiday parties I’ve been invited to. To seeing people open my small but thoughtful gifts that I’ve purchased. To putting a red ribbon around my cat’s neck and watching her scowl at me for it.

Good feelings today. Blessed be.