I had such drama over the last two weeks. Basically, I was involved in a frantic search for a new roommate. I sent emails out to my friends BEGGING them to email their friends.

Now, yes, I know this is New York, and there are services like Craig's List and Apartment Finders, but I have been burned. Or rather, I should say, I know too many people who have been burned. I have heard so many stories about the psychotic roommates people got stuck living with because of those websites. People who have good apartments in decent neighborhoods, who seem like great people... until you move in and discover all the dirty little secrets that are, underneath it all, the reason why this person needed to entice complete strangers to live with them in the first place.

So - the internet was OUT. Ditto with posting flyers with little tear-off sheets in public places. I have ONE MONTH until my roommate moves out. If I can't find someone to co-sign a new lease with me, I'm either going to have to move - and I DO NOT WANT TO MOVE - or get involved in some kind of tenant right's case, which I don't think anybody would choose to get involved in. So. Fast, Furious, and Focused search for a new roomie.

I sent emails to something like 20 or thirty people. They told two friends. And they told two friends. And so on, and so on, and so on...

The responses I got:

1. An aspiring actress, sort of, who's going to be a student at Eugene Lang College in the city starting... actually, she didn't say when she'd be starting. For the last few years, she's been "pursuing acting" in California. As of now, she has no job. However, she has "managerial restaurant experience" and is confident of her ability to secure a well-paying restaurant job.

I thought that was an oxymoron.

Anyway, not exactly what I'd call a Landlord's wet dream. Oh, did I mention that she's in her mid-thirties? I'm in my early thirties and I think I would have shot myself long ago if my professional career consisted of 1000 failed auditions, 2 or 3 acting jobs that didn't make me rich or famous, and some "managerial restaurant experience." But that's just me.

2. A displaced 9/11 resident. Now this was an amazing story. This woman, in her early 40's, was the Vice President of some company or other, with international interests, when the planes hit the towers and destroyed, quite literally, her entire New York life. Her job, her apartment, gone in the blink of an eye. She is lucky to be alive. She has been living with her mother in Vermont ever since. Speaking to her on the phone, she sounds very well-adjusted. She has probably had some good therapy and family/friend support. She has gotten as "over it" as a person can, and is ready to move on with her life. She is ready to return to New York.

The problem is, that, for the last 4 years, she's been basically floating, as one must in these situations. I was truly moved and inspired by her story. However, right now, for someone looking to sign a lease, she is, in her words, a risk. Currently, she's waiting tables. No shit. From the VP of a Global Company to a Waitress. War sucks.

I wish things were different, but the bottom line is, like our hard-working actress friend above, she's just not a landlord's ideal tenant. Not only that, I also had to ask myself very seriously if I wanted to a) live with someone 10 years older than me, or b) live with someone who clearly has... things to work out. I just don't know if I could take that much potential drama... This is SO hypocritical of me, since I am, after all, a basket case myself, and a holy-rolling drama queen. I guess I need to be the Unquiet Queen in residence.

Also, she's in Vermont. She can't even get down to see the place until Sunday. It could be rented by then!

3. One of my best friends, who is a musician, albeit a very good, reasonably successful one, who I found out hasn't filed tax returns in 3 years. (WHAT?) She can't get a letter of employment, since she's self-employed. And no tax returns. Which equals, in my landlord's eyes, no lease.

4. Another friend, who has been unable to live in her own apartment for 6 months, since her idiot superintendent - and then a scam of an "Environmental Cleaning Company" - put so much toxic chemicals into the ventilation systems in her place that she took a deep breath one day and wound up in the hospital. This is a woman who is highly allerigic to all kinds of chemicals. They've rendered her place unliveable. So, for the last 6 months, she's been staying at various friend's places, a few weeks here, a few weeks there. She needs a place to live, and she's got pots of money saved up from years past.

Now, this is another person I really feel for. As a fellow allergy sufferer, I sort of know what she's going through, though I've never experienced anything that severe. However, this woman is also over 10 years older than me, and has been living alone for years. How would that work? Lots of questionable potential personality conflicts...

It turns out that she really prefers to live alone anyway. So I don't have to worry about saying no. And I hope she sues the pants off that Cleaning company and her building owner who lets an incompetent super pour bleach into the ventilation system.

5. Jenn, from Park Slope. "I reeeeeally love Brooklyn. But I like the Upper West Side too!" This gal would have been just about perfect. She had a sold sales job with a publishing company - likely made plenty more money than me. She loves cats. She was nice on the phone, sounded very healthy. Maybe a bit too perky. But hey, maybe she'd lighten me up, God know I need it.

Well, the Upper West Side was her SECOND choice neighrborhood. She turned me down, without even seeing my apartment, in favor of a place in Park Slope. She has a boyfriend who lives there. How could I compete.

After Jenn backed out, I went into overdrive. A WEEK had gone by and NO NEW ROOMMATE!! I was desperate. I emailed all my friends AGAIN. "Please network for me!" I begged. "Don't make me turn to some psycho from the internet!"

It turns out 3 friends of mine posted ads for me in very exclusive places. One of my actress friends posted a 3x5 card on the Actor's Equity (Actos' Union) board, veiwable only by Equity members. A friend of mine who is a professor at Barnard posted a flyer with little tear-offs (I know, I know) at the Columbia U Bus station, which is clogged with well-to-do young people and the occasional professor or teacher. Another friend posted an ad on the website of a musician with a very dedicated and generally well-educated following.

From all this, I got two phone calls from people who could barely speak english. "You have apartment? Room on 95th street? Oh, somebody take? Oh, so sorry." Christ. That must have been from the Columbia U bus stop posting. Exactly the reason why I didn't want to post in public.

From the additional networking, I did get responses from 2 straight males. Sorry, but I have to draw the line there. I would love to find a Will to my Grace, but I'm not living with another straight male again until I'm married to him. And I'm still on the fence as to whether it's worth all the damn housework.

Finally I got desperate and went on Craig's List. I didn't post - I searched. I searched for a female in New York City looking to rent a place for my monthly amount.

I got one person.

She's a working professional in finance by day and writes psycho-thriller plays in her spare time. She's 25 and makes almost as much money as I do, being in finance and all. she has two mild-mannered cats. She's educated, articulate, works in the financial district, has a boyfriend... Normal. She's Normal. Oh man.

We faxed in our apartment applications today.

Craig's List. Ok. Maybe they're not ALL psychos.

And that's the story of my apartment search. I'll post again when the applications are approved.

If my landlord refuses us, I'll cry.

So, the moral of the story is, when you're looking for a roommate, be sure to say

"ISO female professional non-smoker, cat compatible, who writes psycho-thrillers in her spare time."