Thursday, March 09, 2006

What I'm Not Telling People

Update:

I thought several times about deleting this post, because it just seemed so whiny. It was therefore all the more heartening to receive such supportive comments and emails. Thank you all, for simply honoring my feelings.

And I think I should have a bachelorette party at Lucky Chang's.


The sad thing is that I can't call my girlfriends and bandy about wedding ideas, where to have this shin-dig, etc, or talk about how much I'm looking forward to finding a new apartment in 2007, or really enjoy being engaged. My girlfriends in New York are all single, and though they smile and hug me and try to be happy for me, I can tell they are holding back bitter, cutting comments, trying not to cry.

We have been able to console each other when times were tough, but they cannot celebrate with me. Nobody wants to be a bridesmaid... not in our thirties. It was fun in our twenties, but now it's a burden. It's a depressing reminder that none of us are as young as we once were, and being dateless has lost its sense of adventure. A twenty-year-old bridesmaid feels like a member of the in-crowd, excited to enjoy being single, believing they will still find love and happiness in the future.

I can't call my girlfriends in their thirties bitter, but they are jealous, and they hide it badly. I don't want to hurt them, so I avoid discussing G, or the wedding. I hide my left hand under the table until the food comes.

At the office, an married woman in her late forties congratulated me, and told me to enjoy this time, being the bride-to-be. She said it's special. So far, I'm finding it... lonely.

I know the women around me are happy for me, on one level. But they feel too sad for themselves - and justifiably so - to dress shop with me, or debate wedding locations over coffee, or discuss the meanings of colors and seasons and whether I should dye my hair. The real companionship is missing.

I feel robbed. And yet I understand. I am not a girl who wants to be envied. I want to be loved. I have never minded being unpopular, as long as I had friends. Now, suddenly, I feel like the prom queen... resented, envied, and shopping alone at the mall. Hearing about dinner parties I wasn't invited to. "We thought you'd be out with G."

Look at the ring, Ouiser. Think of G. Be grateful.

Be grateful.

5 comments:

Tuna Girl said...

Oh, sweetie! That's why gay men make such great friends. Not only will they do all that stuff with you, theyll give you honest opinions about how that dres makes your ass look big. (Not that you have to worry.)

Jeese! I'd love to talk weddings with a thrity-something friend. How exciting! I was pretty young when I got engaged, only 20 and a junior in college. So my friends (most of whom were lesbians) were having a blast being along for the ride.

Will you be in town the first weekend of June? Call me!

Judy said...

I know this probably isn't great consolation, but you can talk weddings with me - although I'm not that familiar with NY.

Dantallion said...

Congrats! I'm really happy for you! I'd offer to do the girl talk thing with you, and even be a bridesmaid. But I HATE satin and lace. ;)

Zeitzeuge said...

Congrats on the engagement babe! I hope we can meet this beau when we're their in June.

Sorry you're dealing with some of this crap.

nongirlfriend said...

Congrats on the engagement. Re: bitter friends...this doesn't sound nice but they need to just get over it. Happiness in others should make people glad, not bitter.

P.S.: Don't hide your ring. It's your time now!