What I'm Not Telling People

Update:

I thought several times about deleting this post, because it just seemed so whiny. It was therefore all the more heartening to receive such supportive comments and emails. Thank you all, for simply honoring my feelings.

And I think I should have a bachelorette party at Lucky Chang's.

The sad thing is that I can't call my girlfriends and bandy about wedding ideas, where to have this shin-dig, etc, or talk about how much I'm looking forward to finding a new apartment in 2007, or really enjoy being engaged. My girlfriends in New York are all single, and though they smile and hug me and try to be happy for me, I can tell they are holding back bitter, cutting comments, trying not to cry.

We have been able to console each other when times were tough, but they cannot celebrate with me. Nobody wants to be a bridesmaid... not in our thirties. It was fun in our twenties, but now it's a burden. It's a depressing reminder that none of us are as young as we once were, and being dateless has lost its sense of adventure. A twenty-year-old bridesmaid feels like a member of the in-crowd, excited to enjoy being single, believing they will still find love and happiness in the future.

I can't call my girlfriends in their thirties bitter, but they are jealous, and they hide it badly. I don't want to hurt them, so I avoid discussing G, or the wedding. I hide my left hand under the table until the food comes.

At the office, an married woman in her late forties congratulated me, and told me to enjoy this time, being the bride-to-be. She said it's special. So far, I'm finding it... lonely.

I know the women around me are happy for me, on one level. But they feel too sad for themselves - and justifiably so - to dress shop with me, or debate wedding locations over coffee, or discuss the meanings of colors and seasons and whether I should dye my hair. The real companionship is missing.

I feel robbed. And yet I understand. I am not a girl who wants to be envied. I want to be loved. I have never minded being unpopular, as long as I had friends. Now, suddenly, I feel like the prom queen... resented, envied, and shopping alone at the mall. Hearing about dinner parties I wasn't invited to. "We thought you'd be out with G."

Look at the ring, Ouiser. Think of G. Be grateful.

Be grateful.