Inner Struggle

10:10 AM
Today is one of those rare mornings where I woke up in an empty bed. G is visting friends in Massachusetts today.

I had all these grand notions. I was going to shower as soon as I got up, eat something lite, maybe a skim-milk and strawberry smoothie, and then go to the gym. Productive day of housecleaning to follow, and maybe some singing.

Instead, upon rising, I immediately wandered to the laptop and began looking through my contacts's flickr pics. I have been sitting here for 1/2 hour. Haven't even made coffee yet.

I'm not exactly an internet addict... but when I'm feeling lazy, the 'net is very magnetic.

10:49 AM
I've showered and put on my workout clothes, vacuumed the kitty litter off the kitchen floor, and made myself that smoothie. Skim Milk, frozen organic strawberries, and agave nectar, this great natural sweetener I found in the grocery store. For some reason I grabbed a handful of fresh cherries that G bought last week - non-organic. I pulled the stems and removed the pits by splitting the cherries with my teeth. This is so very hee-haw, I thought to myself, but I have cherries in the house too seldom to justify buying a cherry-pitter. And I didn't feel like washing the paring knife.

The smoothie is delish. I dithered a bit as to whether to change the cat box first, and my hunger won. Just as well. Changing the cat box wouldn't be so bad if I didn't have to carry the garbage all the way out to the dumpster in back of the building.

The people who live in the apartment on the lower back part of the building have a beautiful flower garden, with lots of Tiger Lilies. Now, Tiger Lilies are some of my favorite flowers, but apparently they are also favorites of the local wasp population. The large, slender, admittedly beautiful flying instruments of death that constantly hover about that part of the yard are the bane of my existence, and a major factor in my desire to move from here. Not to mention my recent fondness for autumn.

The laundry room is in the basement of the building, and you have to carry the laundry outside the building to the basement exterior entrance, which you then have to unlock with your building key. The door to the laundry room is directly underneath this flower garden. I feel like I'm taking my life in my hands every time I do laundry on a nice day. The Dumspters are across the yard from the Garden of Death. In between the Dumpsters and the Laundry Room door is a large tree. A flowering tree. With low branches. The whole dame side yard is an anaphylaxic zone.

I simply must do laundry today. It's my turn. And I must change the catbox.

11:38 AM
Ok. Heading out to the dumpsters.

12:01 PM
Ok I'm really going out to the dumspter now.

12:03 PM
The garbage has been disposed of. I HATE NATURE. Is it too early for whiskey?
I'm going to the gym now.

8:35 PM
Had a great workout. Came home and cleaned the whole house. Another shower, a sundress, and a big lunch spread just for myself including chicken, rice and beans, spicy guacamole, pita chips, and a Rum-n-Coke. G arrived home when I was halfway through my dinner, about 4:30.

About an hour and a half later, we went to the Flywheel Ice Cream Shoppe in Piermont for treats. We talked about the wedding on the car on the way back.

More to the point, we talked about why we can't afford to get married right now, and why letting his parents help pay for it will be more trouble than it's worth, and how my parents can't really afford to pay for it. We talked about eloping and having a party afterward. I pressed that issue as hard as I could, without pissing G off. Although I honestly couldn't bear to deprive him of a wedding, when he so clearly wants one. It's ironic, the role reversal.

I'm torn. There are so many reasons why I just want to be married. Practical ones like health insurance, which I desperately need, and romantic ones like the fact that, as far as I'm concerned, we're already married and have been for some time. And yet after all this talking about it, I'm wanting a wedding now too. I want to see Kristin and Lisa and Galpal all dressed up in Chocolate Brown silk. I want to see my Mom in a gorgeous mint green dress. And dammit, I want a wedding dress. A real one. And I want a cake with rolled fondant icing and sculpted designs. And pictures. I want lots of gorgeous pictures.

I want memories. New ones.

The problem is... I also want a home with more than two rooms, which we can't afford to get in the same year that we pay for a wedding. It's a wedding or a condo, not both. And I want a baby. We both want kids. And while I'm at it, I'd like to be five years younger, please. Asking too much? Because at this rate, I might just barely make my first kid before I hit 40.

9:14 PM
G and I are watching the History Channel together, on the couch, in comfy pants.

Everything feels perfect.

I'll think about all that other stuff... some other time. Because right here... this is all that matters.