Friday, March 23, 2007
Sunrise Over the Hudson
I'm preparing to write my annual New Year's Resolutions. I don't have much "fun stuff" this year. My dreams have become very practical lately. Something in me has grounded - maybe landed is a better word. Where I used to reach for things like getting something published or learning an instrument, I'm now reaching for practical things, like a long-term home, a family, a clean financial slate, and more time with my parents. I remember how uprooted I felt when I had to leave my Upper West Side apartment; it appears I've grown some very deep roots since then, but not necessarily in the soil of Nyack.
I met with three florists last week, all worthy candidates for my wedding. I found myself hyper-focused on non-floral elements - fruits like pomegranets, grapes, and hypericum berries, as well as curly willows, ferns, evergreenery, Queen Anne's lace, bear grass, and pussy willows. I gushed about the symbolism of fruit, the promise of fertility, the story of Persephone, and the wildness of grasses. These all seemed like feelings I wouldn't necessarily connect with a wedding, as they speak to me of adventure, of independence, and of creation - not necessarily biological. I realized that I am seeing these concepts within the boundary of marriage. My marriage to G will not corral me - it will support me. G and I are both adventurous people who are always looking beyond the horizon, eagerly anticipating the next mountain to climb, imagining all the things we'll do together on the other side, and how great the experiences will be. I'm expressing our partnership, and hopes for our future through my wedding decor! Something about this feels very eccentric, but also very right.
I used to get depressed looking out our hallway window toward Westchester county, at the view in this picture. Westchester represented something that I felt had rejected me - the corporate world, upscale society, I'm not sure exactly where to point the finger here. But I felt locked out, unwelcome, unappreciated, unwanted. At some point, about a year and a half ago, shortly before I started massage school, I stopped gazing out the windows altogether. Unless there was weather to check, I just didn't look.
It's different now. Before, I always slept through dawn, and the "pretty" views were always of the sun setting, of a day ending. Of just Ending in general. Now, I'm awake before dawn, and happy to be so, heading off to a great job. I snapped this photo somewhere between six and six-thirty, simply breathless at the beauty. I don't see Ending anymore, I see Beginnings. Not just the tangible ones of my two new jobs, or my new career as a Massage Therapist, but also something more intangible. It's a new way of knowing myself, a new way of understanding my relationship to the world, to the populations of people that flow in and out of my life. It's a new way of recognizing my worth in the world, and a new way of channeling my energies and talents. And, of course, it's the pre-dawn of my new life with G. We will eventually have a new home, and a child. I am continuing to study Judaism, and will be keeping a modern Jewish household. We will attend Friday night service at our local shul tonight, and while Jewish worship is in and of itself a new experience for me, I believe this may also be the first time G has attended services with a partner of his own.
So much newness, and yet I feel I have left very little behind me at all. I still feel the presence of the divine as a feminine presence. I still feel at home in New York City. I still wear "office clothes" to work, and I still commute in and out of Westchester along with the thousands of people who are doing jobs that I once wanted. I still enjoy some of those friendships I made at my old job. I still keep this blog, and I still enjoy it. I've kept the best things from my past with me, and have simply layered all this newness on top. I feel stronger, like so many layers of earth. I feel... more whole.
I'm also a lot less angry than I used to be. Oh, I have my moments, but the fuel for my daily living is far less acidic than it once was.
Speaking of new things, I have to come up with a new name for this blog. Suggestions are welcome! Comment! Or email me!
While I'm at that, I've been wanting to dump Blogspot for some time, and get a unique site design, and all that. Dimarc bought me a domain name for my birthday, which I can renew in 2008. All I need now is something to point that name towards. I got some shopping to do. New, new, new!
So, I've found my slogan for 2007: A Whole New World