Sunday, February 06, 2005

In Transition

Yesterday, the boyfriend and I transported three boxes of my things and a large garment bag to his place - make that our place. My microwave also made the trip.

When I get home tonight (or tomorrow, depending on how tired and pissy we are after this football game), I will have to begin packing the bedroom and the hallway.

The hallway is going to be the worst part. I have two large ikea bookshelves filled with books, and with something like 20 or 30 photos of myself with loved ones prominently displayed in front of the books. An occasional candle and "special rock" or shell completes the picture. A friend of mine referred to the shelves as my shrine, and she's right, it pretty much is. Several of those loved ones are no longer living in this world, and many others exited my life in other ways, leaving me with memories and these few photos. I burn a candle, I hold the rock I saved from a vacation with this person, the shell that this other person gave me, and I remember. I still feel the love.

It's really going to suck packing 99 percent of that into a box, and leaving it in a storage cubicle for about two years.

I have told my boyfriend that maybe I'll be just fine, and won't miss my things so much. It's possible, maybe I won't. But I might. And if I do, I'll speak up about it, and we'll head out to the storage space, and I'll get my box labeled "photos." But I'm going to see how long I go until I do that.

I say two years because right now that's our working estimate. After then, we might be able to buy a house.

This is it. This is the real thing. This is what I have always wanted and thought I really wouldn't have. This is what I didn't get with the ex-husband. This is what about five or six other guys said they wanted to have with me, who had no idea how to go about doing it, and who were completely unrealistic and retreating when reality hit. This is what, when in the past I dared to imagine I might have with someone, usually became the area of contention that eventually led to a breakup. This is serious committment.

I am so happy I want to run down the street screaming and waving my arms and doing cartwheels and throwing chocolate chip cookies at everyone I see.

I am so scared I want to crawl in bed under the covers and cry, screaming cry, for hours, until I'm so exhausted I fall asleep and don't wake up for at least two weeks.

I am mourning the loss of something I can't quite identify, and I am celebrating the beginning of something of which I can only see the tip of the iceberg.

6 days to go.


Brian said...

Oh Honey...hang in there. Moving's a bitch and then all these emotions...oy. Take care!

Pua; Bakin' and Tendin' Bar said...

I can SO feel exactly what you're talking about. I have the same kind of photo gallery-bookshelf-trinket display type shrine. Fear not! Down the line, two years from now (or whatever), when you reopen those boxes full of those cherished things, it will just seem like one gift to yourself after another...all brand new, but with some very familiar and comfortable memories attached. The reward for your efforts now.

Congrats on the new place, and serenity in your new journey.

Jess said...

The emotions are completely understandable and very normal. Things will be fine... just give it time and try not to get bogged down in the emotions. *hug*

Jonathan said...

Hey, take photos of your bookcase and the "shrine" as it is, and then make a tiny makeshift "shrine" of those few pics. That way it is portable and you can always look at it when you have the need. :)

Amanda said...

I am so impressed with how brave you are. I'm happy for you and so proud that you can overcome fear because your faith is so strong. I'm happy for you! You deserve this. Enjoy!

Frank said...

I'm sorry, but did you say "cookies"?

Moving always involves a good sob or two. It puts hair on your chest. So pack some Nair.

PatCH said...

Yay! Good for you! *hugs*