Tuesday, April 12, 2005

Inspiration, Gratitude, Presence, Rest

Sometimes small, quiet, special things happen to you. Things that you know you will remember for the rest of your life, even though objectively they are not exactly unusual. Why one hug seems to mean more than the rest, why one handmade thank-you card stands out in an ocean of thoughtful gifts over the years, why one view of a room can leave a permanent print on your memory, so that years later you'll recall the exact pattern on the lampshades.... We don't always know why this happens, but it does.

And then, sometimes we do know why, and we realize we are all the more fortunate for the awareness.

We choose which intimacies to hold close and secret, and which to share. I am a brave person, and I share a lot of my most intimate stories, but like everyone else, I also have my secrets. Soft, sweet, silent moments that perhaps no one could appreciate but me, or so I might feel. Or things that I simply do not wish to share, keeping them tucked inside myself, to peek at from time to time, glowing with the knowledge of some special thing that is mine and no one else's. I make these choices too.

Tonight, my heart is swollen with love, and it overflows through my tear ducts. To one sweet man, I am his Goddess. To another, I am a memory. To another, I am a true friend. To yet another, I am true love. Do these men know what I am? Some of them do. The rest... it doesn't matter if they know. I simply am what I am. I know.

To one beautiful woman, I am a little sister. To another, I am a big sister. I, my mother's only child, have sisters of the heart. To one woman, older than myself, I am an eager pupil. To another, I am her guide. And to many wise spirits who gaze upon me from the other world, I am beloved, in all my roles, in all my forms, in all my phases of life.

The men may not always know who I am. The women always do. Regardless, there is joy and discovery and delight and rightness and the knowledge that everything is as it should be when someone looks deep into my eyes, and I know that they see me. They see Me.

Isn't this what we all want most? Simply to be seen? Because when we are truly seen, we are also heard, and known. When we are known, we are not alone. And people are not meant to be alone.

Tomorrow I will walk through a world filled with people who cover their eyes, and go about the mundane activities required by life in this place. My inner eyes will be covered as well, and my deep awareness will drift off from boredom. But only for a few hours. Later on, I wake up again. What is there to see tonight? Who is there to see? Who will see me today?

Tonight I sit in my home, holding precious things in my hands, and treasures in my heart. What they are is my secret. What they mean to me is private. But the fact that they exist, that I have joy, that I am thankful and blessed, I will share.

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