Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Practical to a Fault

I realized a little while ago that I was reluctant to call my Mom and talk to her because there may come a time when she'll be dead, and I won't be able to. I don't want to depend too much on having her there. Talk about backward logic.

I realized that this is also part of why I cultivate friendships. I'm hoping to have a support structure for when I lose my parents. Because my husband (and hopefully children) will not be enough. I will burn them out. I will need friends. I have around 200 cousins, but they have never been there for me when I was in need, at least not since I was too old for my parents to drop me off at someone's house for a week.

I'm not sure how long I have been emotionally preparing for my parent's death, but that's what I'm doing. Doing it now, while they are healthy. Sort of like starting an emergency savings account. I have one of those too, for my cat, in case she contracts some catastrophic illness, or the inevitable happens, something that I am choking up about simply writing it here.

Last summer I went through a three-month bout of depression. It was during this time that I realized I was preparing to lose my loved ones. However I don't think it's because I was depressed that I began to do this. I think I've been doing it for longer than I can quite put my finger on right now.

Being married has never been the answer to all my problems, especially this one. Granted it will help. G is great. But I know myself well enough to know how my grief can exhaust everyone around me. It's going to take a team.

So far I have several good, true friends who I believe I can count on. And believe, me, I know how lucky I am in this. Hopefully I won't need them for this particular circumstance for many years.

But it is comforting to know that today, they are there.

1 comment:

Pua; Bakin' and Tendin' Bar said...

My mom and I were never close until right before her death. It's funny (not in the laughable way) how something as hideous as cancer can change a relationship. I remember thinking how unfair it was that we couldn't appreciate each other until it was too late. Now, 16 years after her passing, I miss her more now than I did then, but mostly because I wish she could see how awesome her grandkids are. Yet I still wonder if she could appreciate, even more, what a good mother I turned out to be, in spite of the mother I had. Gosh..that sounds harsh.

Depression sucks. I know. But it's during those bouts that I remember, as you do, how lucky I am to have the support system I have. While you shouldn't dwell too much on your practicality, it's always good to have a "backup plan". I think yours is pretty sound. Never underestimate your ability to move through the muck and never forget that you have muckboots to help others get through their bogs too. I think that's what gets us to the other side of the mire. I got my boots on and my arms open if you ever need.