My Favorite Cole Porter Song

I sang this song as a project at SCAMDA. It was one of the many wonderful, obscure pieces of musical theatre that I found there, in a desperate search to avoid singing the same old crap everyone else does.

It's called "The Physician". Published September 1933. According to The Peaches,

Originally titled, "But He Never Says He Loves Me," it was first presented in the pre-New York performances of The New Yorkers (1930). Subsequently, it was earmarked for the unproduced show "Star Dust" (1931). The title change to "The Physician" and a few lyric changes occurred during rehearsals for "Nymph Errant."

According to my own research, "Nymph Errant" was a big enough hit to turn its songs into popular tunes. This was one of them. Originally sung and popularized by one of my all-time fave sopranos, Gertrude Lawrence, recorded it on October 18, 1933. The lyrics are:


Intro:

Once I loved such a shattering physician,
Quite the best-looking doctor in the state.
He looked after my physical condition,
And his bedside manner was great.
When I'd gaze up and see him there above me,
Looking less like a doctor than a Turk,
I was tempted to whisper, "Do you love me,
Or do you merely love your work?"

"A" Section:

He said my bronchial tubes were entrancing,
My epiglottis filled him with glee,
He simply loved my larynx
And went wild about my pharynx,
But he never said he loved me.

He said my epidermis was darling,
And found my blood as blue as could be,
We went through wild ecstatics,
When I showed him my lymphatics,
But he never said he loved me.

"B" Section:

And though, no doubt,
It was not very smart of me,
I kept on a-wracking my soul
To figure out
Why he loved ev'ry part of me,
And yet not me as a whole.

"A" again:

With my esophagus he was ravished,
Enthusiastic to a degree,
He said 'twas just enormous,
My appendix vermiformis,
But he never said he loved me.

He said my cerebellum was brilliant,
And my cerebrum far from N.G.,
I know he though a lotta
My medulla oblongata,
But he never said he loved me.

He said my maxillaries were marvels,
And found my sternum stunning to see,
He did a double hurdle
When I shook my pelvic girdle,
But he never said he loved me.

"B" Again:

He seemed amused
When he first made a test of me
To further his medical art,
Yet he refused
When he'd fix up the rest of me,
To cure that ache in my heart.

"A" Again:

I know he thought my pancreas perfect,
And for my spleen was keen as could be,
He said of all his sweeties,
I'd the sweetest diabetes,
But he never said he loved me.

HOWEVER!

I discovered on the website that there is another verse - which was NOT on the Lawrence recording I culled much of my performance from - which is even more... shall we say, borderline.

He said my vertebrae were "sehr schone,"
And called my coccyx "plus que gentil,"
He murmured "molto bella,"
When I sat on his patella,
But he never said he loved me.

He took a fleeting look at my thorax,
And started singing slightly off key,
He cried, "May Heaven strike us,"
When I played my umbilicus,
But he never said he loved me.

As it was dark,
I suggested we walk about
Before he returned to his post.
Once in the park,
I induced him to talk about
The thing I wanted the most.

He lingered on with me until morning,
Yet when I tried to pay him his fee,
He said, "Why, don't be funny,
It is I who owe you money,"
But he never said he loved me.


Not just sexual freedom - implied prostitution!!

The sexual revolution was a long way off...

If you ever get a chance to hear it sung, it's adorable, and hilarious in that Porteresque way.

If you see me in a bar, I'll probably sing it for you.