Monday, May 03, 2004

Bad Morning

Spent the weekend doing things that I used to find great fulfillment in. Now I they make me at best bored and at worst annoyed and offended. I did have a good long heart to heart talk with a friend, whch for the most part was all good. Unfortunately there was one thing she said to me that, although at the time I was completely in agreement and accepting of it, hours later, knifed my heart with its reality. I have been feeling that pain ever since. About 20 hours and counting.

The thing she said was "He's not available to you."

I want to bang my head against the wall until I bleed. I want to fall in traffic or get really sick or... I don't have a deathwish; I just need a vacation, and I can't afford to take one. Every day I have to come into this job is another day wasted of my life. I don't know in which of my past lives I committed those horrible, awful crimes, or even what they were, but after all this atonement, my next life ha GOT to have some level of fulfillment, somehow.

No, that's crap. A vacation won't fix this.

Saturday was the day I had planned 3 really positive, exciting things, and through stupid bullshit and its resulting angst getting in the way, got to do none of them.

Sunday was the day I realized I am in spiritual withdrawal from the year-long spirituality program I participated in last year.

Last night I had nightmares about loss and fear that woke me at 3 or 4 AM shaking, heart pounding, wishing the blankets would swallow me up, looking around my room for the monster who was surely there to kill me, awaiting oblivion.

This morning my heart broke all over again over this dumb guy I broke up with ages ago who I am obsessed with. The one who is not available to me.

Right now I am considering going back on Paxil.

Thank God I don't get like this very often.

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