Monday, October 04, 2004

[Insert Title Here]

I'm back.

Being home was regressive. Mom and I didn't kill each other, but I sure yelled at my Dad a lot, and I feel like shit for it. Their house is far from all nicely cleaned out and set up. I had this fantasy of being able to work hard enough to fit all Grandma and Grandpa's things in their house neatly, all boxes unpacked and the contents in appropriate places. I wanted to leave my parent's home looking like a page out of a magazine... oh come on, who was I kidding? Boxes full of stuff are stacked in every room. Stacks of Kodak envelopes filled with photos are waiting to be set into albums. At least I got them the albums. And I did clean out a couple of closets.

Mom is happy with what I did. Neither of my folks wanted me to leave.. but then, they never do.

I have a huge essay that I'm writing about it... but I don't feel right posting it just yet. I'm out of the blogging closet, so to speak. A lot of folks know who MzOuiser is. And my parents, I'm sure, aren't comfortable with me talking about family issues here. So out of respect for them... I'll be circumspect.

For now.

Family was everything to me for a long time... but a lot of family members have let me down over the years. Mom and Dad, God bless them, are always there for me in whatever ways they can be, but I feel very alone in recent years. I'm not close to my cousins anymore, not like when we were kids. My aunts and uncles have virtually nothing in common with me. I mean pretty much nothing. Some relatives I'd just as soon never see or talk to again. That makes me sad. It makes my parents sad to hear me say it.

I hate making my parents sad. I do it a lot.

I sent out somewhere around 10 resumes today. I have sent out over a thousand total by now. No nibbles. Zilch.

I don't want to do anything except journal, extract essays from my journaling, and churn out some more music. My father put his guitar into my hands last week, and taught me one chord. If I could have brought three carry-ons on the plane, it would be here with me now... so I have to go get one cheap somewhere, to practice with. Wish me luck. Nothing's cheap in New York. People want hundreds of dollars for crap.

Stop rolling your eyes, I'm serious. If she can sing, I can play guitar.

For a few days, Marge and I are staying in Nyack at Chez Boyfriend. When he came home tonight, he quietly told me that he liked coming home to me. Something inside me glowed. For all the limbo my relationship may be in right now, we love each other... and that matters.

My parents love each other, and it's everything.

I miss my Grandparents dreadfully, more these days than ever before. Sometimes it's an actual physical ache inside me, a hole in my sternum that just aches. My Mom and I spent a lot of time holding each other while I was visiting. I can still feel her arms around me, supporting me and leaning on me at the same time.


I need a job, but all I want to do is write.

I'll keep you posted.


Zenchick said...

who rolled their eyes?
You know you have MY support for whatever you take on. It is because of you that I sing, you know.
And thanks for the beautiful sharing. So raw, and so real.

madscribbler said...

Hello, just at random I was browsing next blogs...I could see the reactions of a person on family. Nice keeping blogs.
Incidently, I have a blog of the same nature and same template...internet and blogs are interesting.
Keep writing.

Eric said...

Hang in there, D. You know that our feelings towards everything in our lives get all jumbled up when we go home to where we came from. I tell you, it messes with your mind. Stay strong, stay aware, and make those HR departments sick of hearing from you!

Anonymous said...

Welcome back to the place that will make you forget all of your troubles - by distracting you a whole bunch of new ones. That's okay though becuase I'm (also) here to distract and justify any behavior.

I'll put my eyes on the search for a guitar on the cheap - the good thing about living in the east village is the number of musicians that need to pay rent. I'll also be glad to add 3 more chords to your repetoire.

Okay now imagine a 30 second comfortable hug.

xo -Aaron

Zeitzeuge said...

Welcome back honey. You've been missed.

Amanda said...

Family is so hard sometimes. It's perfect how you describe it - being a pistol to your dad, but he doesn't want you to go.

I feel for you - I hear you. Thanks for writing! Hugs!

Wayne said...

Have you check out sometimes, you can find pretty cheap stuff with good quality :)

PatCH said...