Monday, January 17, 2005

Off My Game... And Throwing the Dice

I guess that last post was just to long to keep anyone's attention. 13 people have cruised me just this hour, and stayed for less than 2 minutes... and no comments. Oh well.

STILL no new roommate. And yes, D-Date (Jan 15th) has passed. Apparently my landlord is going to try and kick me out. However... I have seen no papers yet. Granted, it's a long weekend, and he's likely enjoying himself like the rest of us by not working. And yes, I've spoken to my attorney and several government offices. No good news there.

I have one candidate left, and her current sublet is up in a few days. Dirty Girl is not moving out until 2/15, but the new girl can't wait that long, as she has nowhere to stay for those few weeks. This new gal is my last hope. I may lose my place because of bad timing. Solution: bribery. Maybe I can buy out DG, pay her to leave earlier. And then MAYBE the latest candidate won't have already found someplace else to live that's cheaper, or bigger, or that she won't have to share, or that's simply available NOW.

This is getting crazy. Everyone else has turned me down for a plethora of reasons. I don't blame them. I want to live with an responsible, clean, mentally stable, employed adult. Everyone who meets that description has amassed enough assets in their life that they don't need a share, or they have a sister in the area, or the don't mind paying more for a bigger room in a hipper area. They can all afford to be fussy, while I'm desperate. I'm trying not to read into what that says about me and my stage of life.

So I'm in "crisis mode" now. I really ought to feel stressed. Isn't this a crisis? I mean...

I only planned to live in New York for 10 years, and it's been about that. I've been feeling ready to move on for two years. I did everything I came here to do, and as much fun as I have here, I am really goddamned fucking tired of scraping by and living one paycheck away from financial destitution. I know there are other options available to me, and any of those cities would afford me a considerably easier life. The things I want now are things that have nothing to do with New York, and frankly, the buzz wore off years ago. Why am I fighting so hard to keep this place?

Because it represents something to me. Which is too complicated to go into here, But I'll start with the words indepedence, acceptance, freedom.

Ok. all great words. I'm grateful for this state of mind, this state of being. Thank you, New York, for that.

Now what?


Amanda said...

Oh no! Did you get a roommate? What's happened? Don't judge yourself too harshly. It seems to me like you've done plenty of amazing things with your life. Money is just one small peice of this puzzle, and means very little.

Write soon and let us know! I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you!

Sherry said...

I couldn't even finish reading the post below because the page stopped a number of paragraphs down the post and no amount of refreshing could get the whole page to come up (or for that matter, loading january archives and trying).

Eric said...

I think living in NYC is a huge sacrifice, but one that is worth it for many folks. I definetely think there are people who would enter a major depression if forced to live anyplace else, but most of us fall somewhat short of that level, so it's a matter of deciding how much the good outweighs the bad. Housing is obviously the worst part, especially if you have to live in Manhattan, and are not yet in a position to buy.
I'm sure you have many valid, personal reasons for wanting to stay in NY, but I believe in listening to one's inner voices-if their telling you to get out, perhaps you should listen. You have great social skills-you could probably find a crowd in any major city; this cannot be said about everyone.

Dr. Zoom said...

I'm hsaving the same trouble Sherrry is. I had to do a lighting-fast cut and paste before the whole page loaded, cutting off the last few paragraphs.