Wednesday, May 10, 2006

This wasn't what I had in mind

Today, I have the day off. I requested Wednesdays off from my job, and my request was granted. I now only work four days a week.

I did this because the schedule was just killing me. I need to be able to sleep past 7AM more than one day a week. I also need to work out more than once a week, and to just sleep more. So I had all day today. And, since classes were canceled again this week, I have tonight as well.

This morning, I took the 9:30 Hatha Yoga class. It was wonderful. When I walked in, the ladies recognized me, and lots of high-pitched greetings followed. The class was challenging enough to stretch me but familiar enough to be comforting. The instructor whispered to me once that my practice was beautiful, and I just glowed inside from top to toe. After class, I strolled the two blocks home in beautiful weather, and had a peanut-butter sandwich on wheat toast and a low-fat smoothie for breakfast.

Then things went downhill.

I can't quite explain how, but this heaviness started in my head. Like a headache, but it didn't really hurt. My head just felt heavy. I thought it was sinuses, but it seemed, well, deeper than that. I was still in my yoga pants and tank top. I sat down at the computer and read some people's blogs, and looked at some fun Flickr stuff, and felt worse and worse. I wanted to curl up on the couch and sleep, but I couldn't let myself do that. I had errands to run. I have to go to the store. I have to buy toilet paper. I can't go back to bed. The desire to go back to bed was almost overwhelming.

I shut off the computer and tried to watch my soap, TiVoed from yesterday and Monday. I fast-forwarded through most of it because, frankly, it sucks. And I was craving food. Nothing specific, like chocolate or potato chips - I just wanted to EAT. Eat a lot. I forced myself to sit on that couch and not go to the fridge. I just re-joined Weight Watchers last Monday and I am NOT going to do sabotage myself three days in a row! I'm not in the swing of the plan yet. I overate Monday and Tuesday. I was hoping being away from the cafeteria today might help. Nope.

I called one of my classmates, because I had said I would study with him if he needed me to. I didn't want to call him. I didn't want to do jack shit. But I felt obligated, so I called him. Of course, he wanted to get together. I told him I wouldn't mind having lunch somewhere, but I was not going to be any good for studying. So we met at this mexican restaurant, where I proceeded to drink two coronas, eat a lot of chips and salsa, and totally cry on his shoulder about how I can't see myself being happy living anywhere other than New York City, and how could I have fallen so hopelessly in love with a man who hates New York?

After "lunch," we drove over to the local state park, and I bitched and moaned and cried about how spoiled I feel, that I have such a great life, and I ought to be happy, and that this is just a phase I'm going through, and I'm sure once I get back in the swing of school I'll feel much better but today I just CANNOT COPE.

My friend listened, and held my hand, and rubbed my back like I was a golden retriever, and said all the right things. "You're not spoiled, you're just lonely right now because you and G don't have enough quality time together. It will get better. And you don't know that you won't be able to stay in New York. Get a place in Hoboken or Newport Center. You'll be getting your license soon. You'll be working in Manhattan. You've got a good thing going with G." Etc. Etc.

By the time I'd finished my cry, I was tuckered out, so asked my friend to drop me off in the middle of town, on a street corner that I like because it reminds me of the corner of Bleecker and Cornelia. From there I walked home, about 6 or 7 blocks. It was a nice walk. For a minute or two I forgot who I was, what was going on, what the world was about.

I've been wading through a thick bout of depression for about 3 weeks now. I really hate it, because everything is harder. My life isn't exactly easy when I'm in a good mood, but when I feel like this, just getting up to go to the bathroom is too much effort. My right shoulder hurts, my left hip, my lower back, my neck, my head... every little ache is just magnified. FOR NO GOOD REASON. I could take Advil, sure... how much? For how long? I could go to bed... but I'll just have to get up again later. What's the point?

I dread going to work in the morning. I dread having to drive to the school on Saturday morning. I pretty much dread having to go anywhere or do anything. I forced myself to the grocery store, and I got the toilet paper, and I should have gassed up the car too, but the thought of driving to and from the gas station, never mind talking to the grouchy attendent, filled me with such.. I don't even know how to describe it, but I shook all over, literally shook just thinking about it. I'll gas up tomorrow after work, I told myself, and motored home.

The groceries are sitting on the floor in the bag right now. I should put them away. After I do, I probably will go to bed. It'll be about 9pm, that's an acceptable time for early bed, right? I'll read some of the great book I have, and fall asleep. And somehow I'll deal with tomorrow when it comes.

I miss G. But then I'm glad he's not here to see me like this. Part of me is still afraid he won't want to be with me if he were to see too much of this part of me. Part of me knows that he loves me, depressive episodes and all. Part of me, though, isn't sure if that is true. Part of me feels that he's marrying me because I've managed to convince him that I'm really not that sick. Really, I'm not! Look, I'm doing all this stuff! I promise, I won't ever get drunk again. You won't even notice when I'm depressed. I promise.

Today I had planned on resting, going to the gym and getting a year-long membership, talking to my Mom on the phone and my girlfriends, cleaning the house and picking out clothes for tomorrow, making a nice salad for myself and ending the day with a hot bath. Instead I took a very opening yoga class, and spent the rest of the day crying and doing my damndest to behave like a healthy person, when all I wanted to do was eat everything in sight, lie around in my pajamas, and drift in and out of sleep.

Well, shit.


Frank said...

But tell me, was it at least good salsa?

When I have had these low periods, I have sometimes found it helpful to give myself orders out loud. "Get up. Find your right shoe. Find your left shoe. Tie your shoes. Take your jacket out of the closet. Pick up your keys. Turn off the light. Unlock the door. Walk out. Lock the door." And then I'm outside my apartment, so I might as well go do things.

It sounds crazy but I swear it works.

Dr. Zoom said...

I like it, Frank. You speak wisdom.

Hang in there, hon.