Tuesday, June 14, 2005

Another Dream

From Last Night:

I was at my home in Springfield, Illinois, where I grew up. I was in the front yard, and I found a baby bunny, a young sparrow not quite ready to fly, and another baby animal, the specifics of which I cannot recall. I brought them into the house, and my Mom and I began to take care of them. I felt somewhat trepidatious doing this, afraid I might be doing them more harm than good, but I felt compelled.

Once we were in the house, they needed food. The bird was especially fragile. We tried feeding it grain, but I knew that this wasn't right. The bird was too young, I told Mom, get some milk. We wound up feeding both the bunny and the birdie milk, and they did well on this.

The bunny we had to watch very closely. It wanted to hop away. In this dream, my cats that I grew up with were still alive, and in the house. Mom and I couldn't take our eyes off that bunny for a second, or the cats might get it. This caused us to occasionally divert our attention from the sparrow, and the sparrow had a couple of close calls. At one point we felt that the sparrow needed some water, so we filled a saucer with a small amount, and let the birdie splash around, and drink some. It seemed happy. However, the bunny diverted our attention, and when I looked back at the sparrow, he had dipped his tiny beak under the water and was drowning. I pulled him out, and he chirped. I sighed in relief. The thought of these animals dying in my care was sickening. Mom and I fumbled a bit, but we seemed to be able to take good care of them.

I can't visualize the third creature in my mind. I'm thinking mouse, maybe reptile or fish, but I'm sure these are all wrong. I can't recall anything about this third creature except its life force, and the delicacy of it.

Once Mom and I realized that we were able to save these three animals, and that they would survive, and everything would be ok, I woke up.


Perhaps these three animals represent sides of myself.

1. The Bunny
Rabbits are the quintessential Earth creatures. They have little means for self-defense, but they are very quick, and great at hiding. They are generally pictured as timid, but their timidity saves their lives. They are master diggers and create complex, warm, safe homes for their families. The only times they are not gentle are when they feel an immediate threat, and their instinctive kick-and-claw can be nasty. They defend and run. Mostly though, they avoid confrontation whenever possible. They are vegetarians, they are soft and snuggly, they are soft-voiced, seldom making noise at all. They are unambitious. They are also, of course, incredibly fertile. The rabbit is a powerful symbol of the Mother.

I'm a Virgo.

2. The Sparrow
I have not seen many sparrows, so I don't know why I'm compelled to call this a sparrow. Given our location, it was more likely a wren, a finch, or a robin. But a sparrow isn't out of the realm of possibility.

Birds represent the Air. Qualities of the air: free-spirited, open to anything, flighty, non-committal, lightweight, free. Being an earth sign, with a very low percentage of Air in my chart, I have never been comfortable with air signs. My ex-husband was one, and my most recent roommate. When air signs are dysfunctional, I can barely tolerate them. I find them to be unreliable and unconcerned with me and my feelings/needs. I see them as dreamers who avoid dealing with important things if they find them to be unpleasant. They push all the wrong buttons with me, and I have very, very few of them in my life at all.

To be fair, I imagine they see me as a stick-in-the-mud. I'm dragging them down, starting fights by worrying too much about finances and the state of the house. This was certainly the case with Ex-Hubby and the ex-roommate. They don't handle my emotionality very well. Pouring water on a bird is not going to help anything.

However, in the past year, I have been courting the air. I have specifically been sitting in the East in circle, and I have gone out of my way to invite the spirits of the air into my world. I told one of my Weaver-sisters that the very fact of my discomfort with the air tells me that I need to explore it. I burn incense carefully, I choose more white and blue colors in my clothing and decor, and I try to be more receptive to ideas which seem to float into my head from out of the air. My current interest in a new career is a result of this. So I'm working on "being more airy."

3. The Third Creature
This morning, in the car on the way to work, I was recounting this dream to G, struggling to remember what sort of animal this was. It struck me that this may not have been an earthly creature, or perhaps I am not ready to deal with the part of me that this creature represents. Was it a lizard, representing fire, and spirit? Was it a fish, representing water, or emotion? Neither of these seemed right. I couldn't see another bird or mammal in my mind's eye, or remember the feeling of it. I don't remember how it felt in my hands - fuzzy and soft like the bunny or scratchy-footed like the bird?

It occurs to me that this may be a spirit-animal, in the Native American tradition. It may be something that I cannot see or touch, or experience with any of the five senses. It may only be known via spirit-connection. This makes me want to find a Shaman and explore this, but all in good time. It's quite possible that this is an earthly creature, but I'm not ready for its message yet. Possibly, all it's saying to me now is to be care-full.

4. Mom
Nobody takes better care of me when I'm sick than Mom. When I was in college, that woman drove an hour and a half to take care of me, cans of Campbell's Chicken Noodle Soup in hand. She stayed with me for most of the day. I miss her sometimes when I'm sick. She always seems to know how to take care of things.

She also nursed all three of our elderly cats to the end of their lives, sparing no effort or expense to make their remaining time on earth as comfortable as possible. Everyone should go so peacefully. More recently, she did the same for her own mother. I imagine she will be an amazing Grandma someday, if I ever get my shit together and have that baby we're all hoping for.

5. My Old Home
I would never pick up a baby animal in New York. For starters, I wouldn't find one in the first place. For second, disease runs rampant on the streets, as do the rats that carry it. I'd be afraid, no matter how my heart ached to help. Once in my life, in Astoria, I rescued a baby pigeon who had fallen from it's nest and hobbled out onto the sidewalk. Despite my consultation with animal rescue agencies, and my purchase and use of many baby-pigeon rescuing supplies, even naming it Lucky, it died. I was heartbroken. Never again.

At home, however, with Mom there to help, I brought in all sorts of creatures when I was growing up I had various pet fishys and three cats, not to mention the occasional outdoors-only turtle or frog. If I brought anything wild into the house, we eventually released it. Creatures seldom died in my family's care. Even my human friends, particularly the ones from more dysfunctional homes, seemed to soak in the healing comforts of Mom's cooking, Daddy's doting, and the comfortable nest my parents made. Several of my young friends came from abusive homes where drugs, divorce and alcoholism were prevalent. They had no privacy. I knew even then that my house was a haven for them. Home is a nurturing place.

I think this dream is a re-interpretation of the one involving Omar. I have been experiencing a type of rebirth myself. The move from New York, the loss of my job, the removal of the majority of my living expenses, the drastic change in the company I keep... almost every aspect of my life is radically different than it was 5 months ago. I've been scared a lot, and feeling displaced. In spite of G's constant presence, and my friends' wonderful support, I've felt very alone. I've lost virtually all my independence - I can't go anywhere unless G drives me. Without a steady income, I can't even pay my own rent. I am being taken care of. Right now, I have to be.

I have been fighting despair, rage, and depression during this time, not to mention disappointment, heartbreak and the occasional dark void of perceived failure. I've said goodbye to a lot of people. Especially since the loss of my grandmothers, I have felt more than a little abandoned.

I am that baby bird. I am that bunny. I am that other newborn spirit as well, and it will reveal itself to me in time. Right now, I require care. I am extremely vulnerable. I have got to relax, and trust, or I'll give myself a heart attack, like a bird will under prolonged stress. I need to rest comfortably in the Mother's arms, rather than run all over, or I'll be exposed to danger. As sharp as my teeth and claws may be, there are sharper, bigger, hungrier creatures out there. I have to be careful. I am far from realizing my full power potential.

However, I can do this. I can be safe. I can take care of myself, with the Mother's help. The Mother inside me, the Mother above me, and my own Mom here on earth, who I talk to on the phone nearly every day. I can do this. I will grow up. I will survive. I have a new life now, and it is just beginning.

Blessed Be.

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