I promise.. I will do an actual blog post soon. And put my links back up. I'm thinking next week. In the meantime, I have been interviewed by the Cheap Blue Guitarist, and shall post it for all to see:
Greetings D -
Here are your five questions.
1) What unexpected goodness has your blog brought into your life?
Oh. LORD. Get comfortable.
Of course the first thing I'm going to say is how I found a community of people who I can relax with from time to time, the special-ness of which cannot be overstated. I am still amazed at how talented, funny, generous, successful, sweet, honest, brave, and yes, sexy as hell all these people are, and that they invite me along to parties. I am honored to be included in such a group. They force me to realize that I don't always give myself enough credit for being who I am. I cannot be thankful enough for that. Or thankful enough to Zenchick, for getting me started. I love you girl.
Some pre-conceived notions have been shattered. I learned that being published doesn't make you financially secure, being successful doesn't have to make you a snob, and that being a fag hag is not about being unable to maintain relationships with women or straight men. I learned that the people I most admire are also the ones who've lived through the most hell, and learned from it. And I've learned that I'd rather drown my sorrows in writing than in whiskey. Booze is for good times.
On a personal level, I've managed to pull my head out of my ass. I've become more aware of how I'm perceived through my website, and how it may or may not conflict with the "live" person I present. I realized that I like the person who writes those essays... and I've become inspired to take better care of her. Be true to her. Let her speak. Trust her, trust the affection she receives, and for God's sake take her out places and let her shine.
Lastly, I've become motivated to do the really deep, hard, long-term work on "fixing" my life. It's an odd term, but that's how it feels. I made a mess of things, and lived through a lot of crap, and now I'm putting it back together, on some deeper levels. It feels good, it feels right, and it's really hard. It takes patience, which has never been a virtue of mine, but I'm learning. It is keeping me more honest than ever. Yes, friends, blogging has done all of this for me. You get out of life what you put into it, and I poured myself into my blog. I would imagine pouring yourself into a novel or into writing an album of music or into a physical fitness program, or into a five-course dinner might have a similar effect, depending on a person's passion. I'm glad I didn't write "safely." I wrote kindly and honestly, and I think, maybe, I am a kinder, more honest person for it.
Why am I using past tense?
2) Last year you gave me a wonderful little book called The Examined Life. (Thank you again :-) ) It's filled with little sound bites, quotes and thoughts. One of them says, "Have a few guilty pleasures but know that they are so." What is one of your guilty pleasures?
Oh man. You know I can't list just one. Kentucky Fried Chicken is the first thing that comes to mind. And Double-Beef Burrito Supremes. Over-spending, especially on clothes. Reeeally expensive single-malts. The occasional smoke (although it's been several years on that front). Porn. S&M. Super-sexy clothes. Karaoke. That delicious feeling I get when I'm out in public with my boyfriend, and he snakes his arm around my waist, smiling - this means that others are noticing me, and he is smug.
I think the worst one would be hearing stories about the ugly, obnoxious women that the guys who dumped me wound up married to, and what losers they themselves have turned out to be. Guilt, truly. I really shouldn't enjoy hearing that. But pleasure? Yes. Can't deny it.
3) What is your happiest memory form the last 5 years?
Oh man. This has been a VERY difficult five years for me. It took me two days to come up with this. I'd have to say my housewarming party in May of 2003 is my happiest memory. SO many people showed up. I have never felt so loved. And the guy I'd been "sort of seeing" at that point turned into a clear-cut relationship after that night. God I was nuts about him. My beautiful apartment in my favorite neighborhood with a sweet roommate, my cat, and my newfound freedom from my marriage. Yeah. Good Times indeed.
4) That old Coke commercial said, "I'd like to teach the world to sing, in perfect harmony." What song would you teach the world to sing?
"I'm not Lost, I'm Exploring" by Jana Stansfield. Find an MP3 of it. It's amazing.
But what I'd really like most to teach the world is that singing is an expression of the soul, and yes, anyone can do it. And should do it. Screw the karaoke bars. Go out into the woods and lift your face to the heavens and warble away. I've head tone deaf people produce beautiful, haunting melodies once the self-consciousness and fear of judgement melts away. Assessing a singer's quality in terms of how many albums a recording company manages to market is sacrilege. (Insert anti-American Idol rant here.)
5) I'm gonna borrow one of Jim's questions to me for your last one. What song can't you listen to any more because it is too strongly associated with a particular person or event?
Yeesh. What a loaded question. Generally when a song brings up painful memories I wallow in them, and listen to the song over and over, trying to desensitize myself. So there's nothing I "can't" listen to. However, "Love Will Keep Us Alive" by the Eagles is probably the most loaded ditty I can think of right now.
When I was about 23, I went to an Eagles concert with a lovely man who was crazy about me, and who I adored, but, due to the Unbearable Ineptness of Being MzOuiser, I hurt him very deeply. I have never really forgiven myself for what I put that sweet man through.
I hurt a lot of very nice, rather spineless young men when I was in my twenties, and I've had the opportunity over the years to apologize, or talk it through with them after the fact, and find resolution and closure. This last guy though... I haven't seen or spoken with him since the day I said that final goodbye. I haven't spoken to anyone who really knows him, or knows the depth of our entanglement. I might resolve this alone, or I might have to confront him (I know exactly where he lives), but I guess he's my last ghost.
Of course I can't answer a question in 10 words or less. How I ever got through college with those page length requirements is beyond me.
So: part of the deal here is that it's now my turn to interview anyone who wants to subject themselves to my probing questions. Any takers?